So. Why is a single, cosmopolitan 24 year old woman with no commitments and an enviable collection of gold jewelry sitting at home watching How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and blogging on a Friday night? Well friends (all 14 of you! Seriously though, shout out to my readers! I won't forget you when I make it big, promise), this is why: I had SURGERY today!!!
Ok, minor surgery. I got my wisdom teeth out. But they hooked me up to an IV and everything, so it still counts. I don't have much experience with that kind of thing, and I was essentially terrified. When I went in for my consultation and they showed me an informational video about wisdom teeth extraction from 1984, I was so rattled that the oral surgeon suggested I see someone for anxiety issues. Rude. I was convinced that I was going to have a rare reaction to the anesthesia and possibly never wake up, or worse that the numbing shot would wear off and I would wake up mid-surgery like in some horror movie.
So what made me go through with it? Here's the thing...oral surgeons give you these awesome things called DRUGS that fix any problem! Let me preface this by saying that I am really not into taking prescription drugs for fun...no judgement, it's just not my thing. But when you are PRESCRIBED drugs, well...is it so wrong to take advantage of the mind-altering pleasures? Especially if you're someone who generally has a hard time relaxing? Whatever, I don't have to justify this!
So my little adventure began last night with two Valiums (obviously the doctor prescribed me those when I had my little panic attack in his office during the consultation). Voila, within 15 minutes I was feeling relaxed and at ease. Then, two more Valium this morning, an hour before my appointment (breakfast of champions). I showed up in a daze and making dumb jokes...I was like putty in their hands. Then I found out they were hooking me up to an IV, and that was enough to jolt me out of my drugged-out stupor for about half a second (scared of needles too. Yes, I'm a wuss.)
THEN, though, before they hooked me up to the IV, they gave me LAUGHING GAS! Talk about fun...I started cracking up because one of the dental assistants told the other assistant that he got stung by something in one of the examination rooms and his skin was swelling up. Hilarious. The next thing I know, I'm hooked up to an IV and drifting into a wonderful world of Idon'trememberafuckingthing. I was awakened by my uncontrollable hiccups, and the whole thing was already over. Before they sent me off, I believe I asked them for some laughing gas to take home with me. Good thing they said no...and did I really think that would work?
So here I am...sitting on my couch, watching chick flicks that I have seen at least 5 times before, holding ice packs to my face, and stuffing my cheeks with gauze to soak up the blood (disgusting). The party isn't over yet though...I just popped a Vicodin!!! Um, I'm in PAIN HERE PEOPLE...you watch that damn video from the '80s and see for yourself what abuse my mouth has been through today (that's what she said). it's not my fault that the remedy makes me feel like I'm floating on a cloud of zen and nothing in the world will ever bother me again. And causes me to make "that's what she said" jokes.
On a related note...I'm marketing this new diet called the Wisdom Teeth Extraction Diet and it consists solely of chicken broth and Jell-o (and Valium and Vicodin). Don't hate me in four days when I'm skinny AND unbelievably relaxed and happy...the Master Cleanse can suck it.